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by AllNatural



Category: Natsume Yuujinchou | Natsume's Book of Friends
Genre: Brief Mention of Suicide, Gen, Introspection, One Shot, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-02
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-07 23:58:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11069781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllNatural/pseuds/AllNatural
Summary: If he was smart, he’d stop climbing now.  He’d sit down in the snow, lay back and stare up at the stormy grey sky struck through with black branches and dead leaves still clinging hopelessly to them, and give up.





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**Author's Note:**

> For DO YOUR THING’s 2017 June Monthly Prompt.

 

> _"A somebody was once a nobody who wanted to and did."  
>  \--John Burroughs_

 

Snow crunched beneath his boots, giving him the traction to move forward while threatening to send him back down the mountain path.  His hands had gone numb in his gloves an hour ago, but he was closer to the precipice above him than he was to the warmth and security of the Fujiwara home, so there was no choice but to keep moving on.

 _You did this to yourself_ , he could almost hear Nyanko scolding him, but Takashi was alone this time.  His self-designated bodyguard was still sleeping at home, but this couldn’t wait any longer.  It was the harshest winter the region had seen in years, and while the rest of the town might be ignorant, Takashi could hear the cries across the mountain, the furious demands that drove the snow into blinding storms.  He hadn’t been able to sleep, nightmares and gales of wind waking him continuously throughout the evening.

But as the cold wind beat against him, trying to force him back down the way he came as he climbed higher and higher, he wished he had Madara’s warmth against his side.  He wished he had the large demon’s form bracing his back as he moved ahead.  For all of his selfish habits and faults, he was a main factor in Takashi’s continued survival.  Having inherited Reiko’s book, Takashi’s chances had dropped significantly.  His only goal now was to undo the damage his grandmother had wrought against the spirits and demons of the region.

 _You’re nothing,_ his mind whispered to him, a chill settling in his soul.  It was true; without the Fujiwara couple, without Kitamoto and Nishimura, without Tanuma and Taki, without Natori, without Nyanko…  Who was Natsume Takashi?  He was a nobody, nothing, a dark stain in the bright lives of those around him.  A burden, a nuisance, a problem.  He was nothing without the kindness of those around him.

If he was smart, he’d stop climbing now.  He’d sit down in the snow, lay back and stare up at the stormy grey sky struck through with black branches and dead leaves still clinging hopelessly to them, and give up.  He’d let the earth take him back, bury him in snow, and erase the problem of his existence cleanly.

 _Why don’t you, then?_   Takashi wondered, and he stumbled to a halt.  Why would he do that?  He might be nobody without his friends, guardians, and protectors, but he’d also be missed by them if he gave up here.  Back before Touko and Shigeru found him and took him in, he might have done that, but that was before he understood humans could be kind.  Before he understood what kindness even was.  Before he understood the value of a friend, the value of relationships in general.

“I won’t give up!” Takashi shouted, warmth spreading from his core as he found himself standing on the edge of a cliff, a dark void in the side of the mountain staring back at him.

“I won’t hurt my friends like that,” he declared to the darkness, both in front of him and inside his heart.  “They made me into someone better; they made me human.  I won’t ruin the hard work they’ve done by listening to you!”

The darkness of the cave shifted, and Takashi took another step forward.  Sunlight broke through the cloud cover, dawn chasing away the doubts and fears of the night.  The blizzard still raged on, but no snow touched Takashi’s skin.

“I came to return what was taken from you,” Takashi said, stepping through the opening.  The darkness shifted again, and orbs of dried blood peered back at him.

 _What do you gain from giving back its name? After the effort made to steal it?_ Takashi wondered, but it was not him who felt this way.  He understood that now.

“My grandmother, Reiko, hurt you.  I want to end that hurt.  The village below your mountain is suffering from the anger you feel.  Both humans and spirits are being hurt.  I want to end the cycle. I want to make things right again.  Will you let me?”

The penetrating gaze never left Takashi, even as he pulled out the hand-bound book and held it in his hands, letting himself fall into the now-familiar trance, his energy turning the pages until the mountain guardian’s name stood out in front of him.  He tore it from the book, placing it between his lips and clasping his hands together.

Along with the mountain god’s name, he sent along his apologies, his understanding, and his hope.  The storm died outside as Takashi collapsed to his knees, hands bracing his trembling body as the sunlight filled the shallow cave that the god had taken refuge in.

“Natsume, you idiot!” the high-pitched voice of Nyanko called out, and Takashi smiled as he fell to his side in the snow.

“You should have woken me up. It would have been your own fault if you’d been eaten by that thing,” the deeper voice of Nyanko’s true form, Madara, grumbled.  Warmth enveloped Takashi as Madara’s gentle maw scooped him up, carrying him away from the fears, doubts, and insecurities of the mountain.

Takashi was most likely going to fall ill from wandering around in a blizzard.  Nyanko would yell at him the entire time he recovered, scolding him for giving back yet another name.  Touko would fuss over him, feeding him eggnog and refilling his cold pack until the fever broke.  Kitamoto and Nishimura would drop by with his missed assignments and keep him company as he recovered.  Taki and Tanuma would be concerned, but understand what drove him to the mountainside in the first place. 

Natori wouldn’t find out for months, if ever, but Takashi wondered if the man would have been able to ignore the cries of despair that had sounded since whatever seals had trapped the god had broken.  The exorcist didn’t see eye-to-eye with Takashi, but Natori was far kinder than he believed himself to be.

 _I am somebody,_ Takashi thought as the fever began to set in, the hot breath of Madara warming him to the core.  _I am somebody important to those I care about._

The breeze ruffled his hair, the cold touch of a hand lingering before fading away.


End file.
